As my great grandmother would say. Today is my 23rd birthday, but it truly doesn't feel like it at all. There has just been so much going thru my head lately that I can't really grasp the concept of today being my actual birthday. Tonight is also Pyro's viewing. I just gave in this morning and decided I will be going. I think I have worked up enough courage, now I just need to get out to Riverside and get to the mortuary and get inside. That will be the hardest part. I wonder if my legs will allow me to walk inside? I know my heart keeps telling me different. Or maybe it's my mind? I think I may be doing it for closure. Just for that one last time type thing. I just don't know if I want to remember him like that. The last time I saw him was at Katey's baby shower, and I can remember everything about him from that day. Even down to the feeling of his awkward side hug. haha...
Katey and I got our shirts made last night at the mall. I can honestly say they turned out great. I will try and put up a picture soon of them. Basically we put "In Loving Memory Of Christopher "Pyro" Richards" and then his picture of him in Laughlin, totally acting like his crazy self, beer in one hand and a peace sign on the other, and then the dates 6/2/87-9/11/09. The guy making the shirts so generously pointed out the irony of the date of his death. Yeah, we know. It is kind of bizarre, but we'd all like to agree that he wasn't thinking when he left us on that day. =( On the back of the shirts we put the quote "...a golden heart stopped beating, loving hands put to rest, God broke our hearts to prove to us, he only takes the best..." Everytime I hear or read that, it makes me tear up!! I'm proudly wearing my shirt today to honor him. This is no longer just my day, it's his day too. It'll always be from now on.
Tomorrow morning I leave for Santa Barbara. My very much needed vacation!! I will be camping with my best friends family in El Capitan. I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to it. You think, 'she wants to go rough it it in a tent, get attacked by bugs and have no access to a computer for 4 days??' and I say OH HECK YESSS!! I just want to lay out on the beach, relax, listen to music, hang out with Alisha and her family and just let everything escape my mind. I can't wait until I can just get on the beach, close my eyes and drift away. Oh, it's going to be a great feeling of serenity.
And finally...it's so hard to say goodbye. So I'll see you soon Christopher...
Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again!
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie
You and I will meet again
When we're least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won't say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again~Tom Petty
Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown
And lastly...
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel, attributed
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Gone too soon...
I have to admit, this weekend turned out pretty good for the most part. After all, I wasn't expecting much after the unexpected and overwhelming events that occured on Friday morning.
First, the memorial that was held for Christopher on Friday night at the Racer's Pub in Riverside turned out great. Everyone came together in support to honor his life and remember him for who he was. We laughed, we cried, then we laughed some more until we cried again. It was definitley something I'll never forget. However, It's not for good reason that I'll always remember 9/11 even more so now than before. I just hope in time, we can all accept it. Right now, it's just a lot of mixed emotions and most of us are still angry that he took his own life. He had so many friends to turn to. So many people he could've called. I want to keep telling myself that he wanted to, that he really tried. I just wonder if anyone seen the warning signs...and if they did, why didn't they speak up? I'm sorry, I must be in denial. =( I also want to believe he's in a better place. I hope to God he was saved...he at LEAST deserved that above anything else.
On Saturday, the donation car wash was held at La Sierra Park. By about 12:30 the turn out seemed to be great! Cars kept on coming in and with each car, each person donated at least $20. I don't know exactly how much has been raised so far, but I hope it's enough to help his family out. It was nice to get everyone to help out. He truly had so many friends. It's unbelievable. I couldn't help but to smile while I was there. It was a funny feeling just watching everyone washing cars, as they seemed to be having a good time. It's all what Christopher would have wanted.
I guess everyone met again on Saturday night after the car wash and the USC game, but I couldn't go to where they were going. It wasn't just me though. Many people couldn't have done it. I think it was just too soon to be where he was last alive. Just the thought is heart wrenching.
I can't explain how much he will be missed. You would have had to have known him to understand just how great of a person he really was. That's exactly how I want to remember him.
First, the memorial that was held for Christopher on Friday night at the Racer's Pub in Riverside turned out great. Everyone came together in support to honor his life and remember him for who he was. We laughed, we cried, then we laughed some more until we cried again. It was definitley something I'll never forget. However, It's not for good reason that I'll always remember 9/11 even more so now than before. I just hope in time, we can all accept it. Right now, it's just a lot of mixed emotions and most of us are still angry that he took his own life. He had so many friends to turn to. So many people he could've called. I want to keep telling myself that he wanted to, that he really tried. I just wonder if anyone seen the warning signs...and if they did, why didn't they speak up? I'm sorry, I must be in denial. =( I also want to believe he's in a better place. I hope to God he was saved...he at LEAST deserved that above anything else.
On Saturday, the donation car wash was held at La Sierra Park. By about 12:30 the turn out seemed to be great! Cars kept on coming in and with each car, each person donated at least $20. I don't know exactly how much has been raised so far, but I hope it's enough to help his family out. It was nice to get everyone to help out. He truly had so many friends. It's unbelievable. I couldn't help but to smile while I was there. It was a funny feeling just watching everyone washing cars, as they seemed to be having a good time. It's all what Christopher would have wanted.
I guess everyone met again on Saturday night after the car wash and the USC game, but I couldn't go to where they were going. It wasn't just me though. Many people couldn't have done it. I think it was just too soon to be where he was last alive. Just the thought is heart wrenching.
I can't explain how much he will be missed. You would have had to have known him to understand just how great of a person he really was. That's exactly how I want to remember him.
R.I.P. Christopher Richards...We'll miss you forever and always Pyro. Love you!
6/2/87-9/11/09
Friday, September 11, 2009
R.I.P. Christopher "PYRO" Richards
Today we lost a friend. A loved one. A brother. A son.
Christopher Richards was only 22 years old and left us too soon.
No words can describe the feeling any of us have felt today.
R.I.P. CHRISTOPHER RICHARDS
06/02/87~09/11/09
Pyro, you will be missed dearly from now and forever. We'll see you soon. Until then, we'll raise our glasses and toast to the life of the party. We'll love you always.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
What is Happiness?
I know it's been awhile since I have last updated my blog. A lot has been going on and now that it has slowed down (to a speed where I can actually reflect upon) I will let you have an insight of my life as it stands. Plus, I'll let you in on a few details of the months that have passed.
First of all, I stopped writing the day my great-grandmother (Other Nana) passed away. It was the morning of February 20th, and I was actually writing a blog entry when I received the phone call from my mother telling me to come home right away because my 'Other Nana' has died. That's the way to tell someone that a family member has passed away?! I lost my mind right then and there. I didn't care that I was at work and everyone could hear me. It was the first time someone close to me passed away, so it hit hard. I left that day and forgot all about my blog.
Then, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together in March after I had my surgery. I had no intensions of working things out, let alone moving back in together, but we did. We got a new apartment in April and things seemed to be going smoothly. I was happily in love with him. I was so glad I could say that. But of course, I’m thankful that I didn’t completely let all my defenses down, because he eventually slipped back into his “old ways” and started to detour away from our relationship. I truly believed he didn’t, and still doesn’t, know how to be in a relationship. He flat out told me that he wasn't happy in the relationship either. Why continue to be in that kind of relationship?
I guess it was partially my fault in one way or another. But he just pushed me so far that I had to finally call it quits and leave. I couldn’t take him leaving me at home all the time, not showing me the affection I craved (he hardly looked at me lovingly, let alone touched me the way he used to), his hugs and kissed lacked the love he used to give in the beginning to a point where I can’t even remember the faintest feeling of it, he considered himself my responsibility like I had to take care of him and I felt like I needed to because if I didn’t he would completely get so caught up with his alcohol addiction he’d get into trouble, or worse lose his life. His anger issues were a completely whole different thing to handle. When he got alcohol in his system, his strength was unbearable and very unpredictable. Why should I carry that responsibility with me? He was a grown man, 24 years old, and still acted like he was nearly 18. I had a child to take care of and he saw past that and wanted more from me. He was actually jealous of my son!! Oh, I’m sorry. He knew that I had Travis before he even spoke one word to me. How’s that for insecurity, right? I guess he just wants to be like his friends, which none of them have a steady relationship.
I felt like I deserved more. I owed to it myself and my son to get out of that dead end relationship and move on with my life to achieve the happiness I desired so badly. I can’t bach on my ex too much though, because there were happy moments in our relationship. Plenty of them! However, when the bad outweighs the good, that’s when it’s time to take another approach. We tried; well at least I tried, to make it work. And now here we are, separated again. I’m living back at home with my parent’s crammed into a 3 bedroom home with 4 other people (not including Travis) and he is still up in the apartment with his best friend. This time, I have absolutely no intension of going back to him. I can’t do that to myself, Travis or the people who care about me anymore. I know everyone is tired of hearing about all the crap I went through. So I will spare them all the insanity. I find that my life has so much more to offer in the future without him bringing me down. And I am happy in my own little way again.
Let’s move on, shall we? Work has been a sort of mini whirlwind in itself. It’ll get busy, then it’ll get slow, back and forth, back and forth, on and on! We were put on a Work Share program in March, which made us take 3 days off a month for only half pay. We also got our pay cut 10%, and have to pay more for our medical and dental insurance. Our work share ended in June; however I am still missing 3 checks from the days I took off. Now we find out this morning that we have to go back onto the Work Share program and take an hour off each day. So my hours will now be 7am til 3pm. I can’t complain though, at least I still have a job!! That gives me more time at home with Travis. =)
Travis started preschool in July. He has his good days, and then some bad like a lot of toddlers do. He just started to bring homework home on Monday, which is kind of bizarre to me. It’s like reality that he’s growing up. He talks up a storm and can have a full on (choppy) conversation with you. I love our conversations! He turned 3 on August 28th so we had a pool party for him at my uncle’s house. I made him a monster truck and motocross cake. He loved it! He still likes for me to rub his back and sing ‘You are my sunshine’ to him at night. Oh, and he doesn’t like it when you call him a baby. When you do, he says “I’m not the baby anymore!” It’s so cute!
Speaking of babies, one of my best friends, Katey, is expecting!! She is having a baby girl named Jayden Skye with my ex boyfriends friend, Junior. She is actually due October 3rd, but it’ll be any day now! Her and I had a falling out back in January and didn’t speak for the longest time. It was hard to not have her in my life. It was kind of like I lost apart of me. I know that sounds cliché, but we considered ourselves sisters before because we were so close. Luckily, we reconnected in April and I am so thankful that we did. I love having her as a friend because she keeps me grounded and level headed. Especially when I was going through everything with my ex, she was the one who told me how it was. She didn’t sugar coat anything. I totally respect her for that and everything she has done for me. I hope she continues to be in my life for many, many more years!
I know I have so much more to fill in, but it’ll have to wait until next time. Work is calling…
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Unknown
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. – Anne Frank
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. – Anne Frank
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand (Personal favorite)
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller
First of all, I stopped writing the day my great-grandmother (Other Nana) passed away. It was the morning of February 20th, and I was actually writing a blog entry when I received the phone call from my mother telling me to come home right away because my 'Other Nana' has died. That's the way to tell someone that a family member has passed away?! I lost my mind right then and there. I didn't care that I was at work and everyone could hear me. It was the first time someone close to me passed away, so it hit hard. I left that day and forgot all about my blog.
Then, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together in March after I had my surgery. I had no intensions of working things out, let alone moving back in together, but we did. We got a new apartment in April and things seemed to be going smoothly. I was happily in love with him. I was so glad I could say that. But of course, I’m thankful that I didn’t completely let all my defenses down, because he eventually slipped back into his “old ways” and started to detour away from our relationship. I truly believed he didn’t, and still doesn’t, know how to be in a relationship. He flat out told me that he wasn't happy in the relationship either. Why continue to be in that kind of relationship?
I guess it was partially my fault in one way or another. But he just pushed me so far that I had to finally call it quits and leave. I couldn’t take him leaving me at home all the time, not showing me the affection I craved (he hardly looked at me lovingly, let alone touched me the way he used to), his hugs and kissed lacked the love he used to give in the beginning to a point where I can’t even remember the faintest feeling of it, he considered himself my responsibility like I had to take care of him and I felt like I needed to because if I didn’t he would completely get so caught up with his alcohol addiction he’d get into trouble, or worse lose his life. His anger issues were a completely whole different thing to handle. When he got alcohol in his system, his strength was unbearable and very unpredictable. Why should I carry that responsibility with me? He was a grown man, 24 years old, and still acted like he was nearly 18. I had a child to take care of and he saw past that and wanted more from me. He was actually jealous of my son!! Oh, I’m sorry. He knew that I had Travis before he even spoke one word to me. How’s that for insecurity, right? I guess he just wants to be like his friends, which none of them have a steady relationship.
I felt like I deserved more. I owed to it myself and my son to get out of that dead end relationship and move on with my life to achieve the happiness I desired so badly. I can’t bach on my ex too much though, because there were happy moments in our relationship. Plenty of them! However, when the bad outweighs the good, that’s when it’s time to take another approach. We tried; well at least I tried, to make it work. And now here we are, separated again. I’m living back at home with my parent’s crammed into a 3 bedroom home with 4 other people (not including Travis) and he is still up in the apartment with his best friend. This time, I have absolutely no intension of going back to him. I can’t do that to myself, Travis or the people who care about me anymore. I know everyone is tired of hearing about all the crap I went through. So I will spare them all the insanity. I find that my life has so much more to offer in the future without him bringing me down. And I am happy in my own little way again.
Let’s move on, shall we? Work has been a sort of mini whirlwind in itself. It’ll get busy, then it’ll get slow, back and forth, back and forth, on and on! We were put on a Work Share program in March, which made us take 3 days off a month for only half pay. We also got our pay cut 10%, and have to pay more for our medical and dental insurance. Our work share ended in June; however I am still missing 3 checks from the days I took off. Now we find out this morning that we have to go back onto the Work Share program and take an hour off each day. So my hours will now be 7am til 3pm. I can’t complain though, at least I still have a job!! That gives me more time at home with Travis. =)
Travis started preschool in July. He has his good days, and then some bad like a lot of toddlers do. He just started to bring homework home on Monday, which is kind of bizarre to me. It’s like reality that he’s growing up. He talks up a storm and can have a full on (choppy) conversation with you. I love our conversations! He turned 3 on August 28th so we had a pool party for him at my uncle’s house. I made him a monster truck and motocross cake. He loved it! He still likes for me to rub his back and sing ‘You are my sunshine’ to him at night. Oh, and he doesn’t like it when you call him a baby. When you do, he says “I’m not the baby anymore!” It’s so cute!
Speaking of babies, one of my best friends, Katey, is expecting!! She is having a baby girl named Jayden Skye with my ex boyfriends friend, Junior. She is actually due October 3rd, but it’ll be any day now! Her and I had a falling out back in January and didn’t speak for the longest time. It was hard to not have her in my life. It was kind of like I lost apart of me. I know that sounds cliché, but we considered ourselves sisters before because we were so close. Luckily, we reconnected in April and I am so thankful that we did. I love having her as a friend because she keeps me grounded and level headed. Especially when I was going through everything with my ex, she was the one who told me how it was. She didn’t sugar coat anything. I totally respect her for that and everything she has done for me. I hope she continues to be in my life for many, many more years!
I know I have so much more to fill in, but it’ll have to wait until next time. Work is calling…
Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Unknown
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. – Anne Frank
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. – Anne Frank
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand (Personal favorite)
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
