Friday, May 21, 2010
moving on...
Sounds so easy, doesn't it? Then why is it so hard? I can't stand feeling like this and I wish I could just turn back time and forget about everything that happened. I can't be upset that it's over though. Like that saying goes, "Don't be sad that it's over. Smile because it happened." I do smile. Trust me, I do all the time. But it's usually a forced smile, that I have habitually plastered on my face for the benefit of others so they don't have to see me down all the time. However, as soon as I'm alone, I put the smile away and put on the most depressing, country love songs about break ups and moving on. I guess I like to torture myself, in that way. Then, as soon as he comes over, the smile returns. But this time, it's genuine. I can literally feel it lighting up my face. And everyone can notice that, which is something I can't hide. It's almost embarrassing because I shouldn't feel that way. He hurt me, he broke me so bad. I'm still broken. I tell myself over, and over to stop this game and walk away. I just can't. I can't pull myself away from him. He's the one thing, the one person who finally made me happy again. So incredibly happy that I relied on it everyday. He didn't even have to do anything. Just his presence was enough to make my day. Oh, that sounds so horrible. When did I give in this easily? I guess I just fell too fast, too hard and he didn't. Apparently he didn't because he loved his ex the whole time. He never stopped loving her. Do you know what that feels like? To have the one person you love tell you, straight to your face, that they always had feelings for someone else? It's literally like a slap in the face. He left her for me, and then turned around and did the same thing to me and went back to her. I should've known that would happen eventually. I was just blinded by everything he gave me. Now, I'm finally starting to see the real him. And it's extremely disappointing. He was once my everything and now she has it all in her hands. I hope she knows how to handle all of that after everything he put both of us thru. But she can have him, and I'll have my pride. Guess this moving on thing will happen one day...and I can look back at all of this and smile. I may have lost a good thing, but I also let my heart go. Destroyed, shattered on the dirty floor. He didn't even have the decency to pick up the pieces, wash them off and hand them back to me when he left. In a way, I'm thankful that he didn't. I've learned to do it on my own, little by little, and it's made me a stronger person. Now, if I can just let go of his heart. It belongs to her now...
Friday, February 26, 2010
Procrastinator
I guess I am really horrible at updating this blog. I hardly have enough time for my own life, let alone to write about it. But it should be interesting to read because there’s so much going on. So I should take the time out at least once a week to start and write about everything and anything that’s on my mind.
I am at a place in my life where I don’t know what is going to happen. I honestly have absolutely no idea where I will be in 10 years. Geez…I don’t even know where I’ll be in a year, a month or even a week! Everything has taken a 180 degree turn and I can’t exactly complain.
I have moved on from my ex completely, and I couldn’t feel better about that decision. Which I think, besides having my son, is the best decision I’ve ever made. Upon letting that part of my life go into the past, I have let someone very special into the present. Guess that’s why they call them presents right? =) I don’t know what this guy does to me, but it just feels right. Everytime! It’s been over 2 months and I still get the same woozy, heart pounding, stomach twisting, smiling beaming, glossy eyed feeling whenever I see him. We call it love drunk, and it couldn’t be anymore appropriate. I find it very nerve wracking that even sitting here writing about him, I have to take a breather because even when I think of him, I feel the same way as when I see him! Even hearing his name sends chills down my spine. Which is such a weird, unexpected feeling because I haven’t had that in so long and now it’s like I crave it all the time. I never want him to leave me, but he’s right next door. Yes, right next door. Our windows face each other! We’ve lived next door to each other for 4 years, and nothing ever happened before 2 months ago. Good things come to those who wait. I truly believe that now! The thing is, and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, he is 3 ½ years younger than me. Meaning, he can’t go out and do things like go to the bar or Vegas with me because he is underage. But then again, I don’t need to go out with him to be happy. Just being with him, watching a movie, bowling, or even sitting outside on my front porch just talking is more than enough for me. Oh, I can’t even begin to describe what his hugs and kisses do to me. I won’t get into detail…ok, I need to stop or I’ll work myself up into a ball of nerves. Haha!
I hope we’re going cosmic bowling tonight at least! We went last weekend and it was so much fun! Tonight my mom and some other friends might be going too. So hopefully it’s still on! 2 hours of cosmic bowling with shoes for only $15 a person, such a good deal! When we went last weekend, I got a pitcher of beer so we could all drink it, but the guys were underage so I had to drink the whole pitcher to myself. What a champ! Then I topped it off with a margarita. Yeah…I won’t be doing that tonight. =)
Travis has been getting into trouble at school, more than ever. His dad took him to see his doctor last weekend for ADD and ADHD problems because Greg had/has both, including bipolar disorder. The only thing is his doctor can’t test him for the attention deficit issues until he is 5 or 6. Until then, we need to be on top of his behavioral issues and cut back on sugar which probably makes him more hyper than he already is. He is so smart though! He is affectionate and knows all the different emotions that people show. He understands when you tell him to do something, although probably because of the ADD, it takes a couple of times to tell him to do something. It’s the best when he can lay with me and be calm and act like such an angel. I love it when he’s like that!
Work has been crazy busy lately. There’s no such thing as a recession. At least not here at the moment. But I think I’m busy because I have a ton of returns and replacement orders to process day by day. We have a few large orders, but none that are really worth bringing up our sales percentage by much. It would be nice, because if we’re really busy and bringing in more money, hopefully they’ll give us our 10% pay back that they started deducting a year ago. They also promised us all the back pay once the sales improve. I highly doubt that’ll happen!
In family events, my mom and dad are most likely getting a divorce. Which has been an idea tossed back and forth between them for probably over 10 years. I think they’re relationship (if any at all) has finally reached its breaking point though, and its time for them to go their separate ways. They’d both be better off without each other, sad to admit but it’s true. My mom is so much happier when Dave isn’t around, and I know he could probably care less because he isn’t doing anything to help out their relationship and my mom has already given up. She needs to be happy. Everyone deserves happiness, right? I know she goes through a lot of crap living with Dave and she puts up with a lot of his annoying tactics, but she loves him. I know she does. Or she would’ve honestly left a long time ago. Why drag it out and torture yourself? I put up with that for 2 years tops, not 10. That has got to hurt. I don’t even want to imagine being married to someone for almost 18 years and then just give up. Ugh…its just mind boggling. And you wonder why I don’t really care to get married? Im in no hurry, at all! Same thing with the kid issue. If I’m not going to have anymore kids by the time I’m 30 or 32 years old at the most, then I’m not having anymore. Oh no, this factory shuts down. haha!
Well, break just ended so I better get back to work. I will try to be more attentive with this blog and keep it updated as much as possible. I want to be able to look back at this blog years from now and remember everything I went through, which I know I’ll be able to already, it’s just nice to see it in writing.
Love,
Ashley
I am at a place in my life where I don’t know what is going to happen. I honestly have absolutely no idea where I will be in 10 years. Geez…I don’t even know where I’ll be in a year, a month or even a week! Everything has taken a 180 degree turn and I can’t exactly complain.
I have moved on from my ex completely, and I couldn’t feel better about that decision. Which I think, besides having my son, is the best decision I’ve ever made. Upon letting that part of my life go into the past, I have let someone very special into the present. Guess that’s why they call them presents right? =) I don’t know what this guy does to me, but it just feels right. Everytime! It’s been over 2 months and I still get the same woozy, heart pounding, stomach twisting, smiling beaming, glossy eyed feeling whenever I see him. We call it love drunk, and it couldn’t be anymore appropriate. I find it very nerve wracking that even sitting here writing about him, I have to take a breather because even when I think of him, I feel the same way as when I see him! Even hearing his name sends chills down my spine. Which is such a weird, unexpected feeling because I haven’t had that in so long and now it’s like I crave it all the time. I never want him to leave me, but he’s right next door. Yes, right next door. Our windows face each other! We’ve lived next door to each other for 4 years, and nothing ever happened before 2 months ago. Good things come to those who wait. I truly believe that now! The thing is, and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, he is 3 ½ years younger than me. Meaning, he can’t go out and do things like go to the bar or Vegas with me because he is underage. But then again, I don’t need to go out with him to be happy. Just being with him, watching a movie, bowling, or even sitting outside on my front porch just talking is more than enough for me. Oh, I can’t even begin to describe what his hugs and kisses do to me. I won’t get into detail…ok, I need to stop or I’ll work myself up into a ball of nerves. Haha!
I hope we’re going cosmic bowling tonight at least! We went last weekend and it was so much fun! Tonight my mom and some other friends might be going too. So hopefully it’s still on! 2 hours of cosmic bowling with shoes for only $15 a person, such a good deal! When we went last weekend, I got a pitcher of beer so we could all drink it, but the guys were underage so I had to drink the whole pitcher to myself. What a champ! Then I topped it off with a margarita. Yeah…I won’t be doing that tonight. =)
Travis has been getting into trouble at school, more than ever. His dad took him to see his doctor last weekend for ADD and ADHD problems because Greg had/has both, including bipolar disorder. The only thing is his doctor can’t test him for the attention deficit issues until he is 5 or 6. Until then, we need to be on top of his behavioral issues and cut back on sugar which probably makes him more hyper than he already is. He is so smart though! He is affectionate and knows all the different emotions that people show. He understands when you tell him to do something, although probably because of the ADD, it takes a couple of times to tell him to do something. It’s the best when he can lay with me and be calm and act like such an angel. I love it when he’s like that!
Work has been crazy busy lately. There’s no such thing as a recession. At least not here at the moment. But I think I’m busy because I have a ton of returns and replacement orders to process day by day. We have a few large orders, but none that are really worth bringing up our sales percentage by much. It would be nice, because if we’re really busy and bringing in more money, hopefully they’ll give us our 10% pay back that they started deducting a year ago. They also promised us all the back pay once the sales improve. I highly doubt that’ll happen!
In family events, my mom and dad are most likely getting a divorce. Which has been an idea tossed back and forth between them for probably over 10 years. I think they’re relationship (if any at all) has finally reached its breaking point though, and its time for them to go their separate ways. They’d both be better off without each other, sad to admit but it’s true. My mom is so much happier when Dave isn’t around, and I know he could probably care less because he isn’t doing anything to help out their relationship and my mom has already given up. She needs to be happy. Everyone deserves happiness, right? I know she goes through a lot of crap living with Dave and she puts up with a lot of his annoying tactics, but she loves him. I know she does. Or she would’ve honestly left a long time ago. Why drag it out and torture yourself? I put up with that for 2 years tops, not 10. That has got to hurt. I don’t even want to imagine being married to someone for almost 18 years and then just give up. Ugh…its just mind boggling. And you wonder why I don’t really care to get married? Im in no hurry, at all! Same thing with the kid issue. If I’m not going to have anymore kids by the time I’m 30 or 32 years old at the most, then I’m not having anymore. Oh no, this factory shuts down. haha!
Well, break just ended so I better get back to work. I will try to be more attentive with this blog and keep it updated as much as possible. I want to be able to look back at this blog years from now and remember everything I went through, which I know I’ll be able to already, it’s just nice to see it in writing.
Love,
Ashley
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