moving on...

Sounds so easy, doesn't it? Then why is it so hard? I can't stand feeling like this and I wish I could just turn back time and forget about everything that happened. I can't be upset that it's over though. Like that saying goes, "Don't be sad that it's over. Smile because it happened." I do smile. Trust me, I do all the time. But it's usually a forced smile, that I have habitually plastered on my face for the benefit of others so they don't have to see me down all the time. However, as soon as I'm alone, I put the smile away and put on the most depressing, country love songs about break ups and moving on. I guess I like to torture myself, in that way. Then, as soon as he comes over, the smile returns. But this time, it's genuine. I can literally feel it lighting up my face. And everyone can notice that, which is something I can't hide. It's almost embarrassing because I shouldn't feel that way. He hurt me, he broke me so bad. I'm still broken. I tell myself over, and over to stop this game and walk away. I just can't. I can't pull myself away from him. He's the one thing, the one person who finally made me happy again. So incredibly happy that I relied on it everyday. He didn't even have to do anything. Just his presence was enough to make my day. Oh, that sounds so horrible. When did I give in this easily? I guess I just fell too fast, too hard and he didn't. Apparently he didn't because he loved his ex the whole time. He never stopped loving her. Do you know what that feels like? To have the one person you love tell you, straight to your face, that they always had feelings for someone else? It's literally like a slap in the face. He left her for me, and then turned around and did the same thing to me and went back to her. I should've known that would happen eventually. I was just blinded by everything he gave me. Now, I'm finally starting to see the real him. And it's extremely disappointing. He was once my everything and now she has it all in her hands. I hope she knows how to handle all of that after everything he put both of us thru. But she can have him, and I'll have my pride. Guess this moving on thing will happen one day...and I can look back at all of this and smile. I may have lost a good thing, but I also let my heart go. Destroyed, shattered on the dirty floor. He didn't even have the decency to pick up the pieces, wash them off and hand them back to me when he left. In a way, I'm thankful that he didn't. I've learned to do it on my own, little by little, and it's made me a stronger person. Now, if I can just let go of his heart. It belongs to her now...

Procrastinator

I guess I am really horrible at updating this blog. I hardly have enough time for my own life, let alone to write about it. But it should be interesting to read because there’s so much going on. So I should take the time out at least once a week to start and write about everything and anything that’s on my mind.
I am at a place in my life where I don’t know what is going to happen. I honestly have absolutely no idea where I will be in 10 years. Geez…I don’t even know where I’ll be in a year, a month or even a week! Everything has taken a 180 degree turn and I can’t exactly complain.
I have moved on from my ex completely, and I couldn’t feel better about that decision. Which I think, besides having my son, is the best decision I’ve ever made. Upon letting that part of my life go into the past, I have let someone very special into the present. Guess that’s why they call them presents right? =) I don’t know what this guy does to me, but it just feels right. Everytime! It’s been over 2 months and I still get the same woozy, heart pounding, stomach twisting, smiling beaming, glossy eyed feeling whenever I see him. We call it love drunk, and it couldn’t be anymore appropriate. I find it very nerve wracking that even sitting here writing about him, I have to take a breather because even when I think of him, I feel the same way as when I see him! Even hearing his name sends chills down my spine. Which is such a weird, unexpected feeling because I haven’t had that in so long and now it’s like I crave it all the time. I never want him to leave me, but he’s right next door. Yes, right next door. Our windows face each other! We’ve lived next door to each other for 4 years, and nothing ever happened before 2 months ago. Good things come to those who wait. I truly believe that now! The thing is, and I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, he is 3 ½ years younger than me. Meaning, he can’t go out and do things like go to the bar or Vegas with me because he is underage. But then again, I don’t need to go out with him to be happy. Just being with him, watching a movie, bowling, or even sitting outside on my front porch just talking is more than enough for me. Oh, I can’t even begin to describe what his hugs and kisses do to me. I won’t get into detail…ok, I need to stop or I’ll work myself up into a ball of nerves. Haha!
I hope we’re going cosmic bowling tonight at least! We went last weekend and it was so much fun! Tonight my mom and some other friends might be going too. So hopefully it’s still on! 2 hours of cosmic bowling with shoes for only $15 a person, such a good deal! When we went last weekend, I got a pitcher of beer so we could all drink it, but the guys were underage so I had to drink the whole pitcher to myself. What a champ! Then I topped it off with a margarita. Yeah…I won’t be doing that tonight. =)
Travis has been getting into trouble at school, more than ever. His dad took him to see his doctor last weekend for ADD and ADHD problems because Greg had/has both, including bipolar disorder. The only thing is his doctor can’t test him for the attention deficit issues until he is 5 or 6. Until then, we need to be on top of his behavioral issues and cut back on sugar which probably makes him more hyper than he already is. He is so smart though! He is affectionate and knows all the different emotions that people show. He understands when you tell him to do something, although probably because of the ADD, it takes a couple of times to tell him to do something. It’s the best when he can lay with me and be calm and act like such an angel. I love it when he’s like that!
Work has been crazy busy lately. There’s no such thing as a recession. At least not here at the moment. But I think I’m busy because I have a ton of returns and replacement orders to process day by day. We have a few large orders, but none that are really worth bringing up our sales percentage by much. It would be nice, because if we’re really busy and bringing in more money, hopefully they’ll give us our 10% pay back that they started deducting a year ago. They also promised us all the back pay once the sales improve. I highly doubt that’ll happen!
In family events, my mom and dad are most likely getting a divorce. Which has been an idea tossed back and forth between them for probably over 10 years. I think they’re relationship (if any at all) has finally reached its breaking point though, and its time for them to go their separate ways. They’d both be better off without each other, sad to admit but it’s true. My mom is so much happier when Dave isn’t around, and I know he could probably care less because he isn’t doing anything to help out their relationship and my mom has already given up. She needs to be happy. Everyone deserves happiness, right? I know she goes through a lot of crap living with Dave and she puts up with a lot of his annoying tactics, but she loves him. I know she does. Or she would’ve honestly left a long time ago. Why drag it out and torture yourself? I put up with that for 2 years tops, not 10. That has got to hurt. I don’t even want to imagine being married to someone for almost 18 years and then just give up. Ugh…its just mind boggling. And you wonder why I don’t really care to get married? Im in no hurry, at all! Same thing with the kid issue. If I’m not going to have anymore kids by the time I’m 30 or 32 years old at the most, then I’m not having anymore. Oh no, this factory shuts down. haha!
Well, break just ended so I better get back to work. I will try to be more attentive with this blog and keep it updated as much as possible. I want to be able to look back at this blog years from now and remember everything I went through, which I know I’ll be able to already, it’s just nice to see it in writing.
Love,
Ashley

Just another day...

As my great grandmother would say. Today is my 23rd birthday, but it truly doesn't feel like it at all. There has just been so much going thru my head lately that I can't really grasp the concept of today being my actual birthday. Tonight is also Pyro's viewing. I just gave in this morning and decided I will be going. I think I have worked up enough courage, now I just need to get out to Riverside and get to the mortuary and get inside. That will be the hardest part. I wonder if my legs will allow me to walk inside? I know my heart keeps telling me different. Or maybe it's my mind? I think I may be doing it for closure. Just for that one last time type thing. I just don't know if I want to remember him like that. The last time I saw him was at Katey's baby shower, and I can remember everything about him from that day. Even down to the feeling of his awkward side hug. haha...
Katey and I got our shirts made last night at the mall. I can honestly say they turned out great. I will try and put up a picture soon of them. Basically we put "In Loving Memory Of Christopher "Pyro" Richards" and then his picture of him in Laughlin, totally acting like his crazy self, beer in one hand and a peace sign on the other, and then the dates 6/2/87-9/11/09. The guy making the shirts so generously pointed out the irony of the date of his death. Yeah, we know. It is kind of bizarre, but we'd all like to agree that he wasn't thinking when he left us on that day. =( On the back of the shirts we put the quote "...a golden heart stopped beating, loving hands put to rest, God broke our hearts to prove to us, he only takes the best..." Everytime I hear or read that, it makes me tear up!! I'm proudly wearing my shirt today to honor him. This is no longer just my day, it's his day too. It'll always be from now on.
Tomorrow morning I leave for Santa Barbara. My very much needed vacation!! I will be camping with my best friends family in El Capitan. I can't tell you how I've been looking forward to it. You think, 'she wants to go rough it it in a tent, get attacked by bugs and have no access to a computer for 4 days??' and I say OH HECK YESSS!! I just want to lay out on the beach, relax, listen to music, hang out with Alisha and her family and just let everything escape my mind. I can't wait until I can just get on the beach, close my eyes and drift away. Oh, it's going to be a great feeling of serenity.

And finally...it's so hard to say goodbye. So I'll see you soon Christopher...

Goodbyes are not forever.
Goodbyes are not the end.
They simply mean I'll miss you
Until we meet again!

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. ~Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan, Annie

You and I will meet again
When we're least expecting it
One day in some far off place
I will recognize your face
I won't say goodbye my friend
For you and I will meet again~Tom Petty

Missing someone gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time you saw each other, it's one day closer to the next time you will. ~Author Unknown

And lastly...
Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Theodor Seuss Geisel, attributed

Gone too soon...

I have to admit, this weekend turned out pretty good for the most part. After all, I wasn't expecting much after the unexpected and overwhelming events that occured on Friday morning.

First, the memorial that was held for Christopher on Friday night at the Racer's Pub in Riverside turned out great. Everyone came together in support to honor his life and remember him for who he was. We laughed, we cried, then we laughed some more until we cried again. It was definitley something I'll never forget. However, It's not for good reason that I'll always remember 9/11 even more so now than before. I just hope in time, we can all accept it. Right now, it's just a lot of mixed emotions and most of us are still angry that he took his own life. He had so many friends to turn to. So many people he could've called. I want to keep telling myself that he wanted to, that he really tried. I just wonder if anyone seen the warning signs...and if they did, why didn't they speak up? I'm sorry, I must be in denial. =( I also want to believe he's in a better place. I hope to God he was saved...he at LEAST deserved that above anything else.

On Saturday, the donation car wash was held at La Sierra Park. By about 12:30 the turn out seemed to be great! Cars kept on coming in and with each car, each person donated at least $20. I don't know exactly how much has been raised so far, but I hope it's enough to help his family out. It was nice to get everyone to help out. He truly had so many friends. It's unbelievable. I couldn't help but to smile while I was there. It was a funny feeling just watching everyone washing cars, as they seemed to be having a good time. It's all what Christopher would have wanted.

I guess everyone met again on Saturday night after the car wash and the USC game, but I couldn't go to where they were going. It wasn't just me though. Many people couldn't have done it. I think it was just too soon to be where he was last alive. Just the thought is heart wrenching.

I can't explain how much he will be missed. You would have had to have known him to understand just how great of a person he really was. That's exactly how I want to remember him.

R.I.P. Christopher Richards...We'll miss you forever and always Pyro. Love you!

6/2/87-9/11/09

R.I.P. Christopher "PYRO" Richards

Today we lost a friend. A loved one. A brother. A son.

Christopher Richards was only 22 years old and left us too soon.

No words can describe the feeling any of us have felt today.

R.I.P. CHRISTOPHER RICHARDS

06/02/87~09/11/09

Pyro, you will be missed dearly from now and forever. We'll see you soon. Until then, we'll raise our glasses and toast to the life of the party. We'll love you always.

What is Happiness?

I know it's been awhile since I have last updated my blog. A lot has been going on and now that it has slowed down (to a speed where I can actually reflect upon) I will let you have an insight of my life as it stands. Plus, I'll let you in on a few details of the months that have passed.

First of all, I stopped writing the day my great-grandmother (Other Nana) passed away. It was the morning of February 20th, and I was actually writing a blog entry when I received the phone call from my mother telling me to come home right away because my 'Other Nana' has died. That's the way to tell someone that a family member has passed away?! I lost my mind right then and there. I didn't care that I was at work and everyone could hear me. It was the first time someone close to me passed away, so it hit hard. I left that day and forgot all about my blog.

Then, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together in March after I had my surgery. I had no intensions of working things out, let alone moving back in together, but we did. We got a new apartment in April and things seemed to be going smoothly. I was happily in love with him. I was so glad I could say that. But of course, I’m thankful that I didn’t completely let all my defenses down, because he eventually slipped back into his “old ways” and started to detour away from our relationship. I truly believed he didn’t, and still doesn’t, know how to be in a relationship. He flat out told me that he wasn't happy in the relationship either. Why continue to be in that kind of relationship?

I guess it was partially my fault in one way or another. But he just pushed me so far that I had to finally call it quits and leave. I couldn’t take him leaving me at home all the time, not showing me the affection I craved (he hardly looked at me lovingly, let alone touched me the way he used to), his hugs and kissed lacked the love he used to give in the beginning to a point where I can’t even remember the faintest feeling of it, he considered himself my responsibility like I had to take care of him and I felt like I needed to because if I didn’t he would completely get so caught up with his alcohol addiction he’d get into trouble, or worse lose his life. His anger issues were a completely whole different thing to handle. When he got alcohol in his system, his strength was unbearable and very unpredictable. Why should I carry that responsibility with me? He was a grown man, 24 years old, and still acted like he was nearly 18. I had a child to take care of and he saw past that and wanted more from me. He was actually jealous of my son!! Oh, I’m sorry. He knew that I had Travis before he even spoke one word to me. How’s that for insecurity, right? I guess he just wants to be like his friends, which none of them have a steady relationship.

I felt like I deserved more. I owed to it myself and my son to get out of that dead end relationship and move on with my life to achieve the happiness I desired so badly. I can’t bach on my ex too much though, because there were happy moments in our relationship. Plenty of them! However, when the bad outweighs the good, that’s when it’s time to take another approach. We tried; well at least I tried, to make it work. And now here we are, separated again. I’m living back at home with my parent’s crammed into a 3 bedroom home with 4 other people (not including Travis) and he is still up in the apartment with his best friend. This time, I have absolutely no intension of going back to him. I can’t do that to myself, Travis or the people who care about me anymore. I know everyone is tired of hearing about all the crap I went through. So I will spare them all the insanity. I find that my life has so much more to offer in the future without him bringing me down. And I am happy in my own little way again.

Let’s move on, shall we? Work has been a sort of mini whirlwind in itself. It’ll get busy, then it’ll get slow, back and forth, back and forth, on and on! We were put on a Work Share program in March, which made us take 3 days off a month for only half pay. We also got our pay cut 10%, and have to pay more for our medical and dental insurance. Our work share ended in June; however I am still missing 3 checks from the days I took off. Now we find out this morning that we have to go back onto the Work Share program and take an hour off each day. So my hours will now be 7am til 3pm. I can’t complain though, at least I still have a job!! That gives me more time at home with Travis. =)

Travis started preschool in July. He has his good days, and then some bad like a lot of toddlers do. He just started to bring homework home on Monday, which is kind of bizarre to me. It’s like reality that he’s growing up. He talks up a storm and can have a full on (choppy) conversation with you. I love our conversations! He turned 3 on August 28th so we had a pool party for him at my uncle’s house. I made him a monster truck and motocross cake. He loved it! He still likes for me to rub his back and sing ‘You are my sunshine’ to him at night. Oh, and he doesn’t like it when you call him a baby. When you do, he says “I’m not the baby anymore!” It’s so cute!

Speaking of babies, one of my best friends, Katey, is expecting!! She is having a baby girl named Jayden Skye with my ex boyfriends friend, Junior. She is actually due October 3rd, but it’ll be any day now! Her and I had a falling out back in January and didn’t speak for the longest time. It was hard to not have her in my life. It was kind of like I lost apart of me. I know that sounds cliché, but we considered ourselves sisters before because we were so close. Luckily, we reconnected in April and I am so thankful that we did. I love having her as a friend because she keeps me grounded and level headed. Especially when I was going through everything with my ex, she was the one who told me how it was. She didn’t sugar coat anything. I totally respect her for that and everything she has done for me. I hope she continues to be in my life for many, many more years!

I know I have so much more to fill in, but it’ll have to wait until next time. Work is calling…

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Unknown
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. – Anne Frank
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. – Anne Frank
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand (Personal favorite)
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller

Good bye for now precious Kayleigh...

I did not expect to read the blog post this morning on Kayleigh's page that ended with June 23, 2008 - May 11, 2009 @ 9:44PM. Within the first couple of words, I could hardly bare it. Why did the wonderful Freeman's have to lose this precious little girl so soon? I guess I am mixed with emotions. Mainly I'm just upset. Kayleigh has been through so much, as well as her family, and they just wanted her to come home to enjoy her completely as their daughter. However, I am also comforted knowing that she is in the arms of God and is no longer feeling any pain. We can now rest assured that she is smiling and dancing around Heaven as the happy, healthy child she was destined to be.
Reading Kayleigh's blog has taught not only myself, but everyone, a lot of lessons in life, love and given us all the gift of knowing Kayleigh and the Freeman's.
Kayleigh Anne Freeman, you will never be forgotten.

http://www.kayleighannefreeman.blogspot.com/