What is Happiness?

I know it's been awhile since I have last updated my blog. A lot has been going on and now that it has slowed down (to a speed where I can actually reflect upon) I will let you have an insight of my life as it stands. Plus, I'll let you in on a few details of the months that have passed.

First of all, I stopped writing the day my great-grandmother (Other Nana) passed away. It was the morning of February 20th, and I was actually writing a blog entry when I received the phone call from my mother telling me to come home right away because my 'Other Nana' has died. That's the way to tell someone that a family member has passed away?! I lost my mind right then and there. I didn't care that I was at work and everyone could hear me. It was the first time someone close to me passed away, so it hit hard. I left that day and forgot all about my blog.

Then, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together in March after I had my surgery. I had no intensions of working things out, let alone moving back in together, but we did. We got a new apartment in April and things seemed to be going smoothly. I was happily in love with him. I was so glad I could say that. But of course, I’m thankful that I didn’t completely let all my defenses down, because he eventually slipped back into his “old ways” and started to detour away from our relationship. I truly believed he didn’t, and still doesn’t, know how to be in a relationship. He flat out told me that he wasn't happy in the relationship either. Why continue to be in that kind of relationship?

I guess it was partially my fault in one way or another. But he just pushed me so far that I had to finally call it quits and leave. I couldn’t take him leaving me at home all the time, not showing me the affection I craved (he hardly looked at me lovingly, let alone touched me the way he used to), his hugs and kissed lacked the love he used to give in the beginning to a point where I can’t even remember the faintest feeling of it, he considered himself my responsibility like I had to take care of him and I felt like I needed to because if I didn’t he would completely get so caught up with his alcohol addiction he’d get into trouble, or worse lose his life. His anger issues were a completely whole different thing to handle. When he got alcohol in his system, his strength was unbearable and very unpredictable. Why should I carry that responsibility with me? He was a grown man, 24 years old, and still acted like he was nearly 18. I had a child to take care of and he saw past that and wanted more from me. He was actually jealous of my son!! Oh, I’m sorry. He knew that I had Travis before he even spoke one word to me. How’s that for insecurity, right? I guess he just wants to be like his friends, which none of them have a steady relationship.

I felt like I deserved more. I owed to it myself and my son to get out of that dead end relationship and move on with my life to achieve the happiness I desired so badly. I can’t bach on my ex too much though, because there were happy moments in our relationship. Plenty of them! However, when the bad outweighs the good, that’s when it’s time to take another approach. We tried; well at least I tried, to make it work. And now here we are, separated again. I’m living back at home with my parent’s crammed into a 3 bedroom home with 4 other people (not including Travis) and he is still up in the apartment with his best friend. This time, I have absolutely no intension of going back to him. I can’t do that to myself, Travis or the people who care about me anymore. I know everyone is tired of hearing about all the crap I went through. So I will spare them all the insanity. I find that my life has so much more to offer in the future without him bringing me down. And I am happy in my own little way again.

Let’s move on, shall we? Work has been a sort of mini whirlwind in itself. It’ll get busy, then it’ll get slow, back and forth, back and forth, on and on! We were put on a Work Share program in March, which made us take 3 days off a month for only half pay. We also got our pay cut 10%, and have to pay more for our medical and dental insurance. Our work share ended in June; however I am still missing 3 checks from the days I took off. Now we find out this morning that we have to go back onto the Work Share program and take an hour off each day. So my hours will now be 7am til 3pm. I can’t complain though, at least I still have a job!! That gives me more time at home with Travis. =)

Travis started preschool in July. He has his good days, and then some bad like a lot of toddlers do. He just started to bring homework home on Monday, which is kind of bizarre to me. It’s like reality that he’s growing up. He talks up a storm and can have a full on (choppy) conversation with you. I love our conversations! He turned 3 on August 28th so we had a pool party for him at my uncle’s house. I made him a monster truck and motocross cake. He loved it! He still likes for me to rub his back and sing ‘You are my sunshine’ to him at night. Oh, and he doesn’t like it when you call him a baby. When you do, he says “I’m not the baby anymore!” It’s so cute!

Speaking of babies, one of my best friends, Katey, is expecting!! She is having a baby girl named Jayden Skye with my ex boyfriends friend, Junior. She is actually due October 3rd, but it’ll be any day now! Her and I had a falling out back in January and didn’t speak for the longest time. It was hard to not have her in my life. It was kind of like I lost apart of me. I know that sounds cliché, but we considered ourselves sisters before because we were so close. Luckily, we reconnected in April and I am so thankful that we did. I love having her as a friend because she keeps me grounded and level headed. Especially when I was going through everything with my ex, she was the one who told me how it was. She didn’t sugar coat anything. I totally respect her for that and everything she has done for me. I hope she continues to be in my life for many, many more years!

I know I have so much more to fill in, but it’ll have to wait until next time. Work is calling…

Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful. - Unknown
We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different and yet the same. – Anne Frank
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. – Anne Frank
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved. – George Sand (Personal favorite)
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. – Helen Keller